Zooey Deschanel is finally here and the premiere of New Girl showed us why it may become a permanent staple. Jess Day (Deschanel) has just broken up with her boyfriend after she accidentally catches him cheating on her while performing a horribly clumsy striptease. She follows up an ad to move in with three men, Schmidt, Coach, and Nick (Max Greenfield, Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake M. Johnson) – who she thought were women due to use of the word “beigey”. After confessing that she is going to be watching Dirty Dancing on heavy repeat due to her breakup, the boys, lead by resident douche Schmidt, hatch a plan to get Jess a “rebound”. After a failed attempt that started with a “Hey, Sailor” from Jess she got herself a date with an acquaintance of Schmidt. She eventually got stood up because she “texted (like) seven times”, apparently a no-no in the modern dating scene? The guys, in turn, give up on going to a party to help their new roomie in her time of need. A beautifully botched rendition of “Time of My Life” by costumed adults in an upscale dining establishment is a powerful closing scene for the new comedy.
Schmidt – “…I’ll take you through the whole thing…ya know I’ll be like your guide.”
Jess – “Like Gandalf through Middle-Earth?
Schmidt – “Probably not like Gan – okay, first off let’s just take the Lord of the Rings references – let’s put them in a deep dark cave where no one is going to find them. Ever.”
Jess – “Except Smeagol…he lives in a cave…”
Schmidt – “Listen, knowing every year that I will be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty reminds me that I’m still a man. And I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation which is not racist and it’s for a good cause.”
Nick – “…I could pretend to be more like you Jess. And live on a sparkly rainbow, drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.”
Jess – “Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.”
Nick – “No, I was being mean, I’m not gonna do that Jess.”
Jess – “Why not?! It’s fun.”
Nick – “Because I have a penis.”
Schmidt – ” Listen Jess, I know you’ve had a really rough go but I just want you to know that…well from me at least…no matter what I’d still bang you.”
Jess – “Awww thanks Schmidt. That’s sweet.”