community recapping: horror fiction in seven spooky steps

Britta found out, from a psychological test, that one member of the group might be insane! She tells Jeff they need to figure out who it is. She decides to keep everyone in the study room and have them tell “scary” stories to figure out who is the most sadistic – I love when they give individual perspectives but I hated that Troy and Abed didn’t do their signature handshake when given the chance.

Britta’s Story

Britta and Jeff are in a car in the woods making out – cue the horrible acting from your favorite  straight to DVD movie – when a report comes in over the radio. A killer with a hook for a hand is on the loose in the area. Jeff gets out of the car to survey the area when he gets attacked by the killer all the while commentating on his own demise.

Abed’s Story

Abed doesn’t like Britta’s depiction because he feels the characters make decisions that a normal person wouldn’t make. He begins his story with himself and Britta in a cabin. They kiss – because he just brushed his teeth so that’s obvious – briefly talk about fertility then listen to some SWEET ass elevator music on the radio. After hearing about the killer on the radio, Abed decides to call the police “on (his) fully charged cell phone” and stand back-to-back in the center of the room holding knives. I thought it was a good plan honestly…

Annie’s Story

Annie cut Abed’s story off. She wanted some more action. She began her story with Jeff carrying her into a cabin. She is a damsel in distress and Jeff has come to her rescue. We find out that Jeff is a vampire and he has Britta in the closet to “feed” on. When Annie gets ready to run away Jeff pleads that she stay and…teach him how to read? He learns how to pick up advanced vocabulary relatively quick. As Annie gets ready to leave Jeff tells her he is still going to still feed on her. She then reveals that she is a werewolf that feeds on vampires and gives a ridiculously descriptive account of what she did to Jeff…and his innards.

Troy’s Story

Troy wasn’t pleased with Annie’s story and promises to deliver a “real legit scary story”. Troy carries Abed into Pierce’s cabin. He and Abed’s plane crashed in the woods. Pierce gives them something to drink that knocks them out instantly. When they wake up Pierce tells them he is a doctor that does “weird experiments on people”. The two have been sewed together. But “Trobed” (<–just made that awesome name up) figures out they have ESP and “mind powers” to destroy Pierce. They knock Pierce out and sew his butt to his chest and switch the position of his feet and hands so he can’t touch his new breasts. TORTURE!!!

Pierce’s Story

Pierce doesn’t like his role in Troy’s story. So Pierce begins his own story. “Magnum” (aka Pierce) is enjoying his “post-coital brandy” when (gangster) Troy and Abed break into his cabin demanding brandy and hubcaps of course. Pierce..uh…Magnum takes out the assailants; Troy may or may not have even been hit with a Magnum P in his eye (<–Awesome wordplay). Afterwards, Magnum is headed back to his bedroom for more coitus presumably.

Shirley’s Story

The group as a whole is confused because Pierce’s story wasn’t scary at all. Shirley asks what happened to stories about good versus evil then she begins with her story. The group (minus Shirley) is having a debauchery party (wish I was there!) when they hear over the radio that all the Christians have gone to Heaven and everyone else is Hell-bound. “Devil” Dean Pelton bursts into the party and tells the group how they are going to be tortured. Shirley appears as an angelic vision and tells the group she has come to tell her former persecutors that she forgives them but isn’t taking them to Heaven with her. When she disappears Devil Pelton returns screaming “Gay marriage” (aka a Republican’s worst nightmare) with a chainsaw in hand.

Troy feels that Shirley turned the stories into a sermon. The group begins to leave but Britta and Jeff cut them off. Britta tells the group about the test scores. She tells them what might happen if they leave the room with a homicidal killer amongst them. Afterwards they all turn on each other. Until Jeff tells his story…

Jeff’s Story

The whole group is enjoying warm drinks and horrible sweaters – except Annie’s 😉 -when the masked killer bursts through the door. Everyone begins to panic until Jeff steps in and asks the killer “Why do you kill people?”. Chang reveals himself and says he kills because he is scared. They all give him a group hug and scene!

The group then turns on Jeff and questions his motives. He tells them that he randomly filled out his test so the “insane” results could have been his the whole time. Annie notices that Britta ran the test through the grading machine upside down so she needs to do it again. The revised tests show that only one person is actually sane. They decided they don’t want to know who that one person is and they will just take solace in the fact that one of them is sane.

P.S. Abed had the only “sane” test result.

Quotes

You fools! By sewing my butt to my chest you gave me breasts that I can touch all day!” -Crazy Old Racist Doctor (Pierce)

Wait! Teach me how to read.” -Vampire Jeff (to damsel Annie)

You probably just Britta’d the test results somehow.” -Jeff
No,I double checked them. Wait! Are people using my name to mean ‘to make a small mistake?’” -Britta
…yes.” -Jeff

My drugs are wearing off. Who’s got more?” -Sinner Jeff

I’m no sociopath. I always know what I’m doing is wrong. I’m just a guy who doesn’t like taking tests, doing work or getting yelled at. So when u think about it I’m probably the sanest guy here.” – Jeff

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