- “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower, this is not some fancy hotel.” -Nick
- “And by the way, I know what you’ve been thinking and the answer is yes. I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.” – Schmidt
“Nipple play, off limits.” – Jess
- “I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yo–yo or the slap bracelet, but now all I have is this stupid hat.” – Jess
“I’m sorry.” – Cece
“No, you’re right. I’m over-thinking it, the hat is fine.” – Jess
- “Can you believe that the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I meant, the nerve! I’m going to be sitting in the back of the party and Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be like ‘look at that idiot, couldn’t even get a big cat’.” – Schmidt
- “You don’t have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot.” – Nick…on why Jess isn’t hot enough to be a shot girl
- “I have a PhD, a pretty heavy drug problem.” – Parker Posey (severely underutilized IMO) as the “26-year old” shot girl
- “…get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass.” – Nick
- “Yeah, life sucks. And then, it gets better and then it sucks again and it just…sucks.” – Nick
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