While it’s unlikely this website will ever have any new content, it’s just too hard to completely let go and detach. So since it’s sitting here, unloved but not entirely unwanted, it might as well be productive. If you’re here, reading this, go check out Dear TV. 
Since I already wrote an About page for my newest baby, I’m not going to repeat myself here. Repetition is lame. Repeating yourself is silly. Saying something more than once is ridiculous.
The Al Dente Dentist is not only real, but also informative for those who need to know just how to properly layer tasty lasagna.
“Every 10 pounds a guy loses, he gains a visual inch.” – Ilana
“Whoa, so it’s like the best optical illusion of all time.” – Abbi
“Exactly, like um, Mt. Rushmore. How it looks exactly like the presidents.” – Ilana
“Ugh, I love it. All my senses are heightened, even my ethnic ambiguity. I was catcalled today in what I believe was Creole.” – Ilana
“You should check out that Collin Farrell sex tape, just to get back in the swing of things, specifically 8:58. He is feasting on her pussy like it is a dang milkshake. It’s me breakfast, lunch and fucking dinner right here.” – Ilana
“Exactly. All Hollywood media is porn and all porn is kiddie porn.” – Ilana
“Where did you meet her?” – Tony (played by Damien Lemon)
“At a Foot Locker in Time Square. She was just hanging out. She wasn’t buying anything, she was just chillin’.” – Lincoln
“’Bye guys’ is my favorite part of that. I love that. I want more you. I want more panache. I want more spunk, more jizzy jazz.” – Ilana
“Couple of my best friends showed up. Even though they were pretty stacked, I got to keep my eye on the prize: The Amazing Race.” – Benny (played by Kumail Nanjiani)
“This is gonna work. I left my air conditioner here when I graduated. It’s like technically still mine. It’s like when a mom gives up a baby for adoption, she should be able to go back and get that baby whenever she pleases.” – Ilana
“I can’t get into adoption with you again.” – Abbi
“You kids are all straight and you’re all gay.” – Officer Flap (played by Jack O’Connell)
“Guys, some lady and her mom are here.” – Reginald Carolla (played by Phil of the Future Raviv Ullman)
“Good one, what are you, a comedian?” – Abbi
“Pretty much, my uncle is Adam Carolla – Reginald
“I am honored and thrilled that you would steal something for me. I feel like a fugitive. And if anyone asks, I’ll say the one-armed man took it.” – Lincoln
Honorable mention: Abbi’s handshakes with the Bed Bath and Beyond employees. Holllaa at me Abbiiiii.
Without doing too much research on the book or Australian series this adaptation is based on, the promo makes it obvious that The Slap is a very literal title. Also, why isn’t there more fanfare that Zachary Quinto is back on NBC? Or Uma Thurman? Or Thandie Newton is doing American television at all?
The Slap premieres February 12 at 8/7c
*This post, and future posts of this nature, will contain spoilers. If you see the show name and show title and haven’t seen that particular episode, skip it. This is the best spoiler alert we can provide without being redundant.*
The Good Wife – Hail Mary
You knew once Kalinda learned how to hack the metadata and left her computer on the table it was going to end up in the courtroom with Diane and be used as part of Cary’s defense. You knew how that comedy of errors would play out the second it happened, yet the scene was no less suspenseful.
The New Girl – Shark
While this could have just been a reason to remind us of Let’s Be Cops, the best parts of this episode were all about Winston. Upon receiving an obnoxious bouquet of flowers from Nick and Coach, after they’d embarrassed him: “Thank you, thank you very much, you guys. Oh, also, thank you for the flowers. And just so we’re clear, the first thank you was sarcastic, because you embarrassed me, but the second thank you was sincere as hell, because these flowers are glorious!” Also, Winston inexplicably having food bowls for everyone in the apartment.
Glee – Loser Like Me
The obvious Glee sexual tension between Rachel and Mr. Schue that might not have been obvious or even sexual tension. Perhaps it’s simply the knowledge that Jayma Mays (Emma) is/was too busy filming Getting On, The Millers and other side projects to make a full return as Will’s wife, coupled with the reminder of Rachel’s crush seasons ago. But hey, “Schueberry” would hardly be the strangest thing to happen in the Gleeverse.
Empire – Pilot
There were a lot of interesting moments in this new show’s premiere. However, nothing was as noteworthy as Lucious Lyon‘s luscious locks and love of linens (and fabulous scarves.) Howard’s character looks nothing like the music moguls were used to, which could mean a lot of the other music industry stereotypes will be bypassed in favor of telling new/interesting stories.
Switched at Birth – And It Cannot Be Changed
Bay getting busted for unwittingly acting as an accomplice in some advanced, lunch bag heroin smuggling ring. It was surprising only because the writers keep finding new ways to add outlandish drama to the teen’s already dramatic life. The moment was also great because it led to Emmett calling Daphne out for being selfish. Daphne is the worst and that was deserved.
Cougar Town – American Dream Plan B
Cougar Town acknowledging Grayson’s daughter, Tampa, exists. She has been essentially ignored for the last few seasons, but her return is a nod to continuity. Without continuity, we are savages. Also, a pregnant Laurie is a frightening, yet really adorable Laurie.
Parenthood – How Did We Get Here?
The entirety of this Parenthood episode had moments that mattered but the biggest was the one that didn’t happen at all: Zeke dying. It was expected that with so much buildup, and the show being in the last days of its final season, the leader of the Braverman clan would expire. Fortunately for the heartstrings of fans everywhere, we’ll be spared a death scene…at least for now. Another notable moment: Hank’s proposal, while full of good intentions, was heartbreaking in all the wrong ways.
American Horror Story – Magical Thinking
Dandy, looking immaculate as hell in his post-murder spree fur fashion, meeting Chester (Neil Patrick Harris) for the first time. It’s interesting that Dandy found the likes of Twisty the Clown to be a kindred soul, yet a guy with an affinity for magic and his dummy is somehow just too freakish. They’re both a little…kooky, along with mysterious and spooky. They’re also enamored with the same woman women, which means that Freak Show’s body count will add a few more numbers before the finale.
Without including all of the shows that premiered in the spring and summer, it’s still safe to say that 2014 was a really exciting time to be a TV addict. We loved and lost (due to cancelation or just general lack of interest) quite a few good/”good” shows: Gotham, Gracepoint, Utopia, Red Band Society, Marry Me, A to Z, Manhattan Love Story and Selfie. Networks offered everything from comedies with quasi-incestuous undertones (Happyland) to He Said, She Said-style dramas that ensure Pacey Witter and Jimmy McNulty fans continue to get their weekly fix (The Affair.) Suffice it to say, all that variety throughout the year made the usual lull during midseason and summer breaks pretty much nonexistent.
This new year will bring a spin-off of TV royalty (Better Call Saul) a new offering by FX’s slightly cooler younger brother FXX (Man Seeking Woman), and a show for anyone that saw Starz’s Power and yearned for a similar drug-dealer turned mogul premise minus any nudity with higher profile actors (Empire). HBO, which has become increasingly all about the half-hour series, gives the Duplass’ a chance to show off their dry, mumblecore aesthetic (Togetherness) while ABC tries its hand at yet another potentially offensive/possibly mediocre culturally-themed show (Fresh Off the Boat). We’ll have the Colbert Report-sized hole in our hearts filled (The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore), watch Dwight Schrute’s transform into crime-solving House (Backstrom), and maybe not only watch but enjoy seeing what Victoria Justice can do without Nickelodeon’s PG-13 shackles (Eye Candy).
All of these new and shiny toys make us no less excited for the return of others. Jane the Virgin and How To Get Away With Murder, two shows that are at opposite ends of the colorful comedy to dark-ish drama spectrum, couldn’t be more alike in how great their first seasons are so far. Both work checking out when they return from midseason break. Broad City, smartly paired with Workaholics, is also back (Call it conceit or just a savvy money-saving technique, but Comedy Central really doesn’t make a big hoopla about advertising its shows.)
Remember that mention of variety a few paragraphs back? We haven’t even discussed all of the other shows that have already passed their sophomore mark. The Good Wife, Scandal, Once Upon a Time, Mindy Project, Cougar Town, Parenthood and It’s Always Sunny are just a few more returning shows on a ridiculously long and hard to keep up with list that we watch with true TV junkie dedication.
Need to know what’s coming back and when? Check out this handy-dandy calendar, lovingly put together by the always-helpful folks at TVLine.
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