once upon a time recapping: straight on ‘til morning

Previously on Once Upon a Time: Second Star to the Right.

This week on Once Upon a Time, it’s the SEASON FINALE! As the destruction of Storybrooke seems imminent, everyone must learn to work together in order to prevent disaster. In Storybrooke, there are new alliances, a few sacrifices, and the revelation of a new “Big Bad.” In Neverland, we catch up with where Hook and Baelfire left off last week.

Once Upon a Time, Hook and Baelfire

In Neverland, Hook and Smee speculate that Bae might belong to “him,” and wonder what they might receive as a rewarding for returning him. However, when Hook goes to question his captive, the revelation that he’s Milah’s son changes his mind. Smee panics as the Lost Ones arrive looking for Bae, but Hook is unwilling give up the key to his revenge. Luckily Bae remains hidden. During a sailing lesson they bond over being abandoned by their daddies, and Bae reveals his father is the Dark One and the dagger is the key to his demise. Later Bae discovers a drawing of his mother on Hook’s desk, and concludes Hook is the pirate that killed her. Hook quickly tells him the real story, but Bae still blames him for destroying his family and asks to be taken home. Hook offers Bae a place on the ship, but the boy is not convinced, claiming that the pirate only cares for himself. It’s enough to turn Hook back to revenge, and he gives up Bae to the Lost Ones. As they hit shore, the Lost Ones compare Bae to a drawing and realize he’s not the one “he” is looking for, but that “Peter Pan never fails.” The boy on the drawing? Henry.

Once Upon a Time, the Charmings

In Storybrooke, Rumple is clearly still worried about the Prophecy and is about to use magic to send his grandson flying from a swing into some convenient pointy rocks (what is it with the death trap playgrounds in this town?) when he’s interrupted by the arrival of the Charmings. As Emma breaks the bad news about Neal to Henry, her parents inform Rumple. They also ask for his help with the self-destruct device, but with his son gone, Rumple doesn’t mind dying. Meanwhile, Gremara take the device down to the mines and activate it. As the Charmings regroup at home, Regina offers to slow down the device to give them enough time to recover the magic beans and portal everyone safely to the Enchanted Forest. Hook arrives, gets punched in the face, and offers to help, since dying wasn’t part of his revenge plan. At Gold’s shop, the dwarves raid Sneezey’s stein since the Blue Fairy has conveniently created a potion (with a hair from Pinocchio’s head) that will restore a person’s memories if drunk out of an object that’s important to them. Leroy offers some to Rumple, since he owes Belle a favor. As the forest starts to reclaim the town, Rumple and Belle have an emotional reunion. Charming and Hook manage to snag one bean from Gremara; Regina prepares to sacrifice herself to save Storybrooke, begging Emma to “let her die as Regina,” not the Evil Queen. Everyone meets up at Granny’s and prepares to go, but Henry refuses to leave without Regina. Snow suggests sending the trigger through a portal like the wraith (since that worked so well the first time), instead of “building a future on Regina’s blood.” Of course, they go down to the mines to discover that Hook has double-crossed them and taken the bean. Convinced they’re doomed, Emma shares a tearful embrace with her parents, calling them “mom” and “dad” for the first time. (Hello emotional turmoil, I’ve missed you!) She then has a “holy crap I can do magic!” moment and combines her powers with Regina, saving everyone from horrible CGI destruction. During the confusion, Gremara kidnap Henry and take him through a portal to “him.” Hook arrives shortly afterward with the bean. Regina, the Charmings, and Rumple sail off to Neverland to rescue Henry, while Belle stays behind with a spell to cloak the town from further minions of the Big Bad.

Image from Once Upon a Fan

In the Enchanted Forest, Aurora, Philip, and Mulan discover a gravely wounded (but alive) Neal on the beach.

That’s it until the fall. Stay magical, my friends!

Thoughts/Theories
• Coming to the end of the season, I find myself a little disappointed. The latter half of season 2 just did not pack the same punch as the first half, nor did this season have the same sense of purpose that season 1 did. This fracturing of one plotline (break the curse) into multiple plotlines (Cora in Storybrooke, finding Baelfire, the magic beans, the Prophecy, Neverland, Greg and Tamara vs. Magic) has made the show feel convoluted and disjointed. With so much going on, the jump from plotline to plotline takes away from character development – i.e., the evolving nature of Emma and Snow’s bond in the first half of season 2 that we don’t really see upon their return to Storybrooke – and leaves a lot of plot holes.
• The rules of travel between realms are infinitely frustrating to me. Rumple’s implied scuffle with Peter Pan suggests that Rumple traveled to and from Neverland at least once, and it’s never explained how Hook returned to the Enchanted Forest, especially considering you can “never leave” Neverland. And the dynamic of the magic beans seem to vary: when Neal falls through the portal, it’s implied his destination is totally random, yet when Gremara and Hook use the beans, they have no issue choosing Neverland as their destination.
• Henry is subject of the prophecy, and also the objective of the “big bad,” Peter Pan. Considering we now know that both of his parents are magical, how much do you want to bet that Henry’s got some magic of his own? I have a feeling this will be one of the big storylines of season 3.
• New drinking game: very time Hook gets assaulted or double-crosses someone, take a shot.

Nicole N. decided to justify the countless hours she spends watching television by writing about it here. She is currently watching Call the Midwife and crying into her tea each Sunday. For more tv-centric musings, check out her tumblr.

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modern family recapping: flip/flop / career day

Previously on Modern Family: The Future Dunphys

Flip Flop

Phil, Mitchell, Cam, Claire

Don’t do anything stupid….

Cam and Claire’s house project is finally complete and they are ready to begin the sale. But, no matter how good the house looks they are having trouble finding a buyer. Mitchell bites his tongue and refrains from saying “I told you so” even though he really wants to. Despite their efforts the only offer they get is below asking price and comes from Phil’s nemesis, Gil Thorpe. Luke claims to have an interested buyer and when they find out his buyer is an adult they jump on the opportunity. Using Haley’s stalking skills to learn everything possible about this guy. They tailor the house for him, but its all too fishy and he backs out. And when Gil Thorpe shows up and sees there is a gay couple looking at the place (Cam and Mitchell), he advises his buyer to to up their offer. We all know you should gay real estate. They know where its at.

Javier brings his new girlfriend Trish to meet Manny. Gloria is threatened by this woman who seems to be so awesome. When Javier announces that the two are actually getting married she freaks out and tells Gloria that she is threatened by her because Gloria is “the one that got away” for Javier and Manny never shuts up about her. Upon hearing this, Gloria welcomes Trish to the family.

Best/Funniest Moments

  • Haley cyber stalking Zack
  • Gil Thorpe…all of the scenes
  • Trish’s freak out

Quotes
Haley: Okay so after a quick scan of his facebook, twitter, tumblr, pinterest and instagram, this is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

Phil: Prepare to Phil the agony of Dunfeat! Both names!
Gloria: If she learns how to froth his cappuccino I am history!

Career Day

Luke is bringing Phil for career day at school, unfortunately for Phil, Gil Thorpe’s daughter is in the same class. Gil, predictably ruins Phil’s presentation. Later, the teacher asks Claire to present about being a stay-at-home mom. But Claire gets slammed with all these questions that make her feel bad about herself. She leaves abruptly, and Gil follows her to offer her a job. Phil knows its to torture him, but supports Claire anyway since its what she wants. She quits after one day.

Haley

“Tell me about it….Stud”

Lily lost her first tooth and in addition to a lovely card and fair dust she gets $100 dollars. Which was obviously a mistake but when Cam and Mitchell try to convince Lily that the tooth fairy made a mistake and will want her money back, Lily isn’t having it. They bring Haley in as the tooth fairy, but Lily sees right through that. Haley, though, saves the day anyway by saying that keeping the $100 is def worth skipping presents from Santa. Reverse psychology, it’ll get ya.

Jay, feeling a little insecure about how boring his job is, claims that he once thought about being writer but “life” got in the way. When Gloria picks up on the fact that she is “life” she gets out of the way so Jay can pursue his dream. Jay quickly discovers he’s no good at writing, so he has Manny cover for him. But Manny’s sensitivity to Gloria’s critiques gives him away.

Best/Funniest Moments

  • Mitchell’s comments about the fairy dust
  • Haley in the tooth fairy costume
  • Gil torturing Phil

Quotes
Luke: For the record, I do all my own wiping.

Claire: You have dumb ideas.
Phil: Name one…that went on for awhile.

Cam: Well obviously the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it’s cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.

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how i met your mother recapping: romewardbound/the bro mitzvah

Previously on How I Met Your Mother: The Time Travelers

Romeward Bound

Marshall and his new wife

Know somewhere I can bury this sausage?

Lily is still working for The Captian who has decided he wants to move to Rome and he wants to take her with him. Lily refuses because she believes Marshall loves his job, but when she goes to visit his office and finds out that the firm has all but shut down Marshall offers her the chance to rethink her refusal. When The Captain offers her the position in Rome a second time, she still says no because she is scared. Marshall talks to her about it and they decide to take the plunge and do it.

Robin, Barney and Ted are all trying to see what the wedding planner’s body looks like under her big baggy coat. Ted has seen it in his pilates classes and says it nuclear. Because Robin seems so cool with it Barney is overly interested in finding out whats under the coat. Ted warns him to be careful. RObin is cool, but she will have a limit. Barney doesn’t heed his warning, so we’ll see where that ends up.

Best/Funniest Moment

  • Marshall’s Rome fantasy
  • Lily’s Rome Fantasy
  • Marshall’s office/job

Quotes
Ted: Indiana Jones wouldn’t look at this body. This is a body that would melt a Nazi’s face.

Lily: When you said you were about to get reamed?
Marshall: Oh right that. No, sometimes for fun, we throw reams of paper at each other. Bernard! Not a good time! Read the room!

The Bro Mitzvah

The Bro Mitzvah

This is legen, don’t bother waiting for it because it sucks, dary.

This is it. The moment Barney has been waiting for. His Bro Mitzvah (bachelor party)! He’s already given Ted and Marshall a list because he believes the two will not be able to pull it off. Ted and Marshall start by kidnapping Barney, a good start, though this means Barney will skip out on dinner with RObin and his mother. They head to a hotel right outside of AC, have a few beers, hire a clown, bring the wrong karate kid, hire Quinn (ex-fiancee) as stripper, Barney gambled so he loses money for caterer and bets Marshall who he loses to the mafia and Robin dumps him for losing the money, marshall and abandoning her at a disastrous dinner with his mom.

Turns out it was all a hoax, but it was also everything Barney wanted, just in the most effed up ways possible. The last surprise of the evening, the clown was the real karate kid (according to Barney)

Seriously though Robin is a pretty epic fiancee.

Best/Funniest Moments

  • Barney’s kidnapping
  • Quinn being the stripper
  • Marshall getting his hand cut off
  • Barney’s mom thinking Robin was a virgin

Quotes
Loretta Stinson: You are so funny. What’s gotten into you? Oh that’s right, nothing, ever.

Barney Stinson: Shut it Ralph Maccio! Why don’t you go have a party with Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

Robin: I’m not a virgin! My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks and one baguette. I dated a center from the Knicks.

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once upon a time recapping: second star to the right

Previously on Once Upon a Time: The Evil Queen.

This week on Once Upon a Time, the conflict between our magic-hating outsiders and the heroes of Storybrooke comes to a head. In Storybrooke, Greg and Tamara unleash a world of hurt upon Regina and while Emma and Co. attempt to find her (and the remaining magical beans). In London, we learn what happened to young Baelfire after he fell through the magic portal alone.

Once Upon a Time, Baelfire

In London, Baelfire travels through the portal and wakes up alone in turn of the century England. Starving, he sneaks into a townhouse through an open window to steal some bread. He’s caught by the young Wendy Darling, and she offers him as much food as he wants. Wendy hides him in the crawlspace, but her parents discover their guest and invite him to stay. That night in the bedroom Wendy is excited for the arrival of “the shadow.” Bae reveals his history with magic and warns her that it comes with a price. Despite his warning, Wendy goes to Neverland when the shadow visits that night. Wendy returns the next morning and confirms Bae’s fears – the shadow never lets children leave Neverland once they arrive. The only reason she was released is because the shadow intends to take one of her brothers. That night the shadow returns, and Bae offers to go with him to keep Wendy’s family intact. En route to Neverland, he gets the best of the shadow and falls into the sea surrounding the island. He is fished from the sea by our favorite pirate, Captain Hook.

Once Upon a Time, Greg and Tamara

In Storybrooke, Emma, Snow, Charming, and Henry try to track down Regina and the magic beans. When they get to her office, however, the beans and Regina are missing and there are signs of foul play. Emma immediately suspects Tamara. On the other side of town, Tamara takes inventory of their stolen items (including the trigger and the magic beans) and prepares to send their data to the “home office” before they get their next assignment, while Greg attempts to torture the location of his father out of Regina. It turns out the two are part of a secret society determined to destroy magic to keep it out of the “real world.” While Emma tries yet again to convince Neal that Tamara is up to no good, the Charmings acquire a spell from Rumpelstiltskin to locate Regina. Lacey overhears his magical dealings, and is intrigued by living with him forever, if only they get the prophecy out of the way. Emma tries to catch Tamara in a lie, but Neal’s fiancé remains one step ahead of her, making her looking like the crazy ex yet again. Emma eventually confesses to Neal that it hurts to see him move on, and he admits that leaving her was his biggest regret. Snow’s magic-induced vision leads them all to converge on the cannery by the docks. Tamara flees, but Greg refuses to leave – tormenting Regina until she admits she killed his father and buried him at their campsite. The Charmings rescue Regina, Greg escapes, and Emma and Neal have a showdown with Tamara that ends with Neal shot and Emma dangling over a magic portal. Just when it seems like everything will be okay, the floor collapses and the two have just enough time for a confession of love before Neal disappears through the portal. A shell-shocked Emma returns to her parents. The news goes from bad to worse when Regina clues them into the trigger in Tamara’s possession. As Greg buries his father’s remains, Tamara informs him of their new assignment – blowing Storybrooke off the map.

Once Upon a Time, Emma

Next week, Storybrooke (and Regina?!) are possibly no more.

Thoughts/Theories
• Poor Emma. Is she ever going to have her happy ending?
• This development with Tamara and Greg and their anti-magical secret society is interesting. I wonder if this proves my theory that the myths and legends of other cultures represent magical realms that may have crossed over into the “real world.”

Nicole N. decided to justify the countless hours she spends watching television by writing about it here. She is currently terrified of Stanley’s oddly-shaped head on Project Runway. For more tv-centric musings, check out her tumblr.

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iron man 3, a review of a movie that doesn’t quite understand itself.

Children should not be aloud to be actors. It’s a simple fact that the overwhelming majority of child actors are just horrible. They can’t emote and often sound like they’re speaking English as a second language. Syllables fire off at random intervals and their faces react about a second too late. 
 
Sadly, the fact that children are remarkably poor actors did not stop Shane Black from writing one into the story. He’s entirely useless and serves only to lob a few lines so that Tony Stark can be a dick. He’s a fun dick, to be sure, but a dick nonetheless. He openly mocks a kid whose dad left him when he was just a few years old for no real reason. And the kid’s got nothing more to say than “GARSH! I AM CRUSHINGLY ALONE!”
 
But the tonal issues in the movie don’t just lie within the child actor. They also stem from the simple fact that, just a few weeks ago, we got bombed by some assholes who just wanted… well we don’t know since white hat isn’t being read his Miranda Rights / is being denied legal council, but that’s neither here, nor there. Whatever the case may be, it’s all screwy. And that screwiness also relates to the way in which violence is presented in the movie. I feel like I can speak for anyone reading this who say the photos of the after-math in Boston, bombs are unpleasant. They make for a horrific scene, one that can’t really be put to film without dedicating to it fully. 
 
The movie ends up lying within this remarkably strange middle-ground where it isn’t quite an escape from reality, a fun lark, like the first movie was. It tries its hardest to tug at your heart-strings with scenes of bombs, going so far as to bomb Jon Favreau within the first 15 or so minutes of the movie, but it totally falls flat given that he’s scratched up slightly, but not really any the worst for wear. And beyond that, he spends the beginning of the movie just being annoying. You can’t be expected to build any sort of empathy for him, because he’s just busy being obnoxious.
 
And he somehow survives a blast with temperatures reaching over 3000 degrees Celsius, just by hiding behind some crappy souvenir stand. I might just be thinking about bombs in light of what’s happened in Boston, but I do honestly think it’s a major problem with the movie. Bombs are evil devices, and treating them as a flashy plot device felt cheap. 
 
One area in which Iron Man 3 did actually work for me was in the choice of villains. Guy Pierce plays a decently interesting villain and seems to have had a good time chewing the scenery throughout. His transformation from crippled to handsome evil mastermind is believable enough. Ben Kingsly also plays an interesting role with a few twists and turns. Thankfully, this isn’t just a case of “sequel=more villains!” because it feels like basically every third superhero movie falls flat on its face from just trying to amp up the action by just having a horrible clusterfuck of villain-ry. Spiderman 3, Dark Knight Rises, and X-Men: The Last Stand are all terrific examples of how an otherwise wonderful franchise can bite the dust by just trying to juggle too many balls at once. 
 
The story remains interesting up until the last battle, when it completely falls apart thanks to some horrendous foreshadowing and writing. The following are just a selection of some of the questions that I had during the movie and immediately following. Needless to say, the end of the movie is… problematic. The Vice-President is apparently evil? Because his daughter has only one leg? And so wanting to help her makes him want to murder the President? And somehow no one will find out about this? What was Aldrich’s (Guy Pierce’s) plan for showing how he actually captured The Mandarin? Was he going to waltz into the White House with the Mandarin in tow and just expect everyone to nod along? How was he going to get the Mandarin off? Didn’t the actor know that it’d all end badly? That he’d end up in jail? What is the magic goo and why do people sometimes blow up? Is it when they take too much? Or not enough? Also, when Iron Man is fighting Super Goo, as I’ve elected to call him, since he didn’t get a name, does he not understand that he regenerates? He sees this regeneration MULTIPLE times throughout the movie, and just ignores it sometimes, while anticipating it other times. Apparently electricity stops it? Why does Super Goo shoot Maya (Rebecca Hall) if he sort of needs her to finish/fix the formula? Why can Super Goo breathe fire? What does that have to do with exploding and / or regenerating their bodies? Why can Tony just fix Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow)? Couldn’t he have just come up with some sort of Batman-style antidote to make the final fight make a lick of sense? When Tony blows up all the Iron Men, Pepper is still wearing the glove of one of the Iron Men. Why did that not explode? 
 
I’m not kidding. I could go on. For a while even. The movie throws aside ANY pretense of any sort of logic and just has robots explode for the final 45 minutes or so of the movie. It just reeks of Disney. The forced awful child, the lack of any sort of meaningful violence, even where it would make a lick of sense, the ludicrous amount of CGI, etc. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of vaguely fun, but the first part of the movie feels like it tries so hard to have you harbor some semblance of emotion or fear for any of the characters in the movie. When Pepper falls into the fire, it’s during the middle of fighting DOZENS of Super Goos who’re all immortal(ish.) A few people in the theater even so far as to let out derisive “PFT”‘s. There’s no fear for anyone, no stress involved for anyone watching the movie, and the one main character who dies, Maya, she does in such a way that 1. is kind of hilarious, 2. comes SO FAR out of left field that I was convinced she must be a totally different character or that I’d heard something incorrectly, or 3. she just dies half-off-screen, so she’ll just being in Iron Man 4: Iron Man Harder. 
 
Or maybe not. I don’t know. Or care, really. And neither did the people that wrote this movie. Image
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