Tag Archives: khalasar

game of thrones recapping: garden of bones

Previously on Game of Thrones: What is Dead May Never Die

If you want to be god of the battlefield, it really helps to have a big, scary uber-wolf on your side. Robb Stark and his direwolf Grey Wind launch another surprise attack on the Lannisters, who must have the worst lookouts in the history of Westeros, and win. After the fighting, Robb spots a woman treating the injured on the battlefield. He’s surprised to find that she is both of an appropriate age and attractivness to be considered a potential love interest for himself (and that she questions his authority and talks back to him…but mostly the attractiveness part).

For all the loyal fans who missed Joffrey’s charming antics, this had to be a welcomed episode. Highlights include Joffrey ordering Sansa, his future wife, to be stripped and hit in front of the entire court and forcing the two whores his uncle Tyrion purchased for him (don’t ask—it’s a weird family) to beat each other. I don’t know if psychology exists in Westeros, but this kid could single-handedly support and justify the entire profession.

Over at Renly’s camp, Petyr arrives to stir up trouble. He tries to figure Margaery out, well aware that her brother Loras is the king’s real lover, but the new queen uses some weird turn of phrases to either impress or confuse him (“My husband is my king, and my king is my husband”—what?). Petyr also finds time to profess his love for Catelyn, but she’s disgusted and rejects him.

Things are looking up for the other women of Westeros. After a distubring jaunt as a prisoner of the merry Harrenhal torturers, Arya and her friends are rescued by Tywin Lannister. They’re still prisoners, but now Arya gets to be Tywin’s cupbearer. Dany and her dying khalasar find their way to the walls of the utopian city of Quarth where, after a tense showdown, they are allowed in by a merchant named Xaro Xhoan Daxos. Meanwhile, Melisandre, otherwise known as she of the red dress and creepy accent, gives birth to a black smoke creature. Yeah, it makes as much sense as it sounds, but here’s betting it spells bad news for someone in next week’s episode!


  • Not to completely nerd out, but no potential girlfriends for Rob are supposed to show up yet, according to the books. On the other hand, I get it. There’s not a lot of romance going on in Westeros right now (if you’re the sort of person who excludes incestuous relationships), so I don’t blame the writers and producers for playing Cupid to spice up the constant plotting and battling.
  • Poor Petyr, he has awful timing. I actually really don’t like King Landing’s crafty brothel owner, and I admit I somewhat enjoyed seeing Catelyn reject him, but he has been in love with her for practically his entire life. You can’t blame a guy for trying.
  • I can’t be the only one who gave some serious thought to the Harrenhal torture scenes. What do a bucket, fire, and rats add up to? I’m assuming the rats are forced to chew through the victim’s chest to escape the heat, but who thinks of that stuff? Yuck. Whatever happened to just chopping off fingers?
  • I realize this is potentially impossible since Game of Thrones is already eating through a massive budget, but I would really like to see just one battle—that’s all I’m asking. Robb’s 4 for 4 for battlefield victories, and we’re still 0 for 4 for actually witnessing any of this epic action.

Missing in action: Theon, Bran, Cersei, Jon

Body count: too many to count – We get a battlefield strewn with dead bodies plus the two prisoners tortured to death at Harrenhal.


Roose Bolton: “The high road’s very pretty, but you’ll have a hard time marching your army down it.”

Tyrion: “I am not threatending the king, sir, I am educating my nephew. Bronn, next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. That was a threat. See the difference?

Dany: “When my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me. We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground. Turn us away, and we will burn you first.”

Hayley has other interests besides just nerdy TV shows. She also is a big fan of thinking. She ponders the great mysteries of life, like how more of her time can be devoted to watching those nerdy TV shows.

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game of thrones recapping: the night lands

Previously on Game of Thrones: Season 1 Revisited

Theon Greyjoy, the Stark’s ward, finally returns to his home on the island of Pyke in order to convince his father that they should join forces with Robb Stark. However, all does not go as planned. After getting to a very icky second base with his sister Yara (in Theon’s defense, he thought she was just some random girl), he discovers his father kind of hates him and has absolutely zero interest in helping Robb.


Meanwhile, the political players of the Game of Thrones make their opening moves. Stannis prepares for war by hiring pirate Salladhor Saan and his fleet of ships while over at King’s Landings Tyrion begins to assert himself as Hand of the King. He throws out the untrustworthy Janos Slynt and confronts Cersei about her son Joffrey’s uncontrolled reign as king.


The likeable female protagonists, all two of them, have a tougher time in this episode. Arya’s attempt to remain disguised as a boy is discovered by Gendry, who may or may not be one of Robert Baratheon’s remaining bastards. Dany and her khalasar are on the verge of death, and no hope of salvation appears imminent. Apparently, three dragons aren’t much help when it comes to finding allies, finding civilization, or simply finding water.


Beyond the Wall, Jon Snow and his Night’s Watch brothers continue their stay at creepy Craster’s Keep. Sam befriends Gilly, Craster’s pregnant daughter/wife (it’s as messed up as it sounds), and unsuccessfully tries to convince Jon that the troubled girl should come with them. Curious about the depths of depravity that exist in Craster’s family, Jon investigates the sound of a crying baby, only to be knocked out unconscious by a very unhappy Craster


  • I’m finding Theon almost endearing in his pathetic misadventures. He’s delusional and a misogynistic jerk, but his hapless return to Pyke seemed worse than even he deserved.
  • I’m beginning to get used to the random scenes set in Littlefinger’s sleezy/upscale brothel. While they add virtually nothing to the plot, I’ve finally realized their crucial role in meeting HBO’s naked quota, which I just made up but am fairly certain really exists.
  • I kind of liked seeing Cersei fall apart. Being mother of Joffrey, the spawn of Satan, seems to finally be taking its toll on her.
  • The sooner the Night’s Watch leaves Craster the better. At this point, I very much prefer nightmare zombie men to Craster’s disgusting definition of a family.

Missing in action: Renly, Catelyn, Robb, Sansa, Bran, and Joffrey (but honestly, who missed this kid?)

Body count: 1 – Poor Rakharo. Only his head returns to Dany after a clearly unsuccessful scouting venture.


Tyrion: “I’m not questioning your loyalty, Lord Janos. I’m denying its existence.”

Varys: “Storms come and go. The big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling.”

Theon: “Try smiling with your lips closed.”

Cersei: “This is what ruling is: lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root one-by-one before they strangle you in your sleep.”


Hayley has other interests besides just nerdy TV shows. She also is a big fan of thinking. She ponders the great mysteries of life, like how more of her time can be devoted to watching those nerdy TV shows.

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