Tag Archives: Schmidt quotes

new girl’s best quotes: parents

Previous New Girl quotes: Menzies

“Jess, I’m not done with that. It’s $18 granola, handmade.” – Schmidt

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“I should also warn you guys that my mom is a little bit perky.” – Jess
“Wait, you think she’s perky?” – Winston
“Well, she doesn’t have my dark side; I got that from my dad.” – Jess

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“You know what I’m thankful for today? Divorce.” – Bob Day (Jess’ dad)

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“Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t exactly have the most sophisticated palette. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota, he actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan. He’s been that way since we were kids. Made my life a living hell.” – Schmidt

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“I thought everyone knew. You grieved so publicly on Instagram, all those pictures of sad trees and your lunches.” – Jess

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“A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling, I feel like you’re just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap, probably won’t work.” – Nick

“Why do you have to ruin everything?” – Jess

I don’t know! I’ve got something bad inside me, I ruin things…let’s do this parent trap.”-  Nick

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“So your hair just does like this one thing, right?” – Jess

———-

“Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric.” – Joan Day (Jess’ mom)

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“Seems to me like this whole things is a draw. I mean, you did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle. I mean, you belched longer, but he farted louder. You punched a tree, he headbutted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch. I mean, Schmidt, how much more can you take?” – Winston

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“Know this, your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil. And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de Julienne. You may have bested me in the competition of pre-Clinton manhood but I am Schmidt, a refined and enlightened pescatarian, 90% of the time.” – Schmidt

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Other notables:

  • Joan Day was played by Jamie Lee Curtis, who starred in Freaky Friday alongside Lindsay Lohan, who was in the remake of The Parent Trap.
  • Bob Day was played by Rob Reiner. I’m sure there’s several ways to connect him to Lindsay Lohan…but I’m lazy.
  • Big Schmidt was played by Rob Riggle, who was in the Billy Crystal and Rob Reiner “remake” of When Harry Met Sally.
  • Speaking of  family, when are we going to meet the parents that birthed the douche-y magnificence that is Schmidt?
  • Visually, this was my favorite Jess moment of the episode.
  • Schmidt kissing a man isn’t a new thing: EXAMPLE A and EXAMPLE B
  • Nick’s whole zombie love story that sounds eerily like Twilight isn’t all that farfetched. In fact, it’s a very real thing called Warm Bodies.
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new girl’s best quotes: menzies

Previous New Girl quotes: Halloween

“You’re getting your scent all over my pillow. It took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell. – Schmidt

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“We sold our qualms. We used the profits to buy perfect bodies.” – Schmidt

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“This is some watered-down nonsense! You’re some no good shysters!” – Young Nick

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“I like your hat. I like how it’s not a team or a logo; it’s just blue.” – Nick

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“He’s like a character in a Judy Blume novel.” – Schmidt

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“Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? This is not how guys of my generation hang out.” – Nick

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“Look. I’m a depraved freak, and I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.” – Schmidt

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Other notables:

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new girl’s best quotes: halloween

Previous New Girl quotes: Models

“Nick, where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel.” – Schmidt

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“I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen. These brains are terrible and such small portions.” – Schmidt
“On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people’s brains, they are the only ones that are open.” – Nick
Zombie Christina Barcelona.” – Jess
“Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.” – Winston

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“I’m gonna be home late tonight guys, so don’t wait up. Cuz I’m going over to Sam’s house to mix his batter. Aw yeah.” – Jess

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“I couldn’t afford my therapist, so I ate his brains. Marx Brothers.” – Winston
::claps::
“That’s the one.” – Schmidt

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“Nice kid, but she can’t draw for crap. I mean she just traced Bugs Bunny.” – Sam

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“Wow, Schmidt, you’ve got so many boots.” – Winston
“You know who doesn’t have a lot of boots? Guys who aren’t getting laid on the reg’.” – Schmidt

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“You’re going as young Abraham Lincoln for Halloween? – Winston
Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day, and CeCe’s American, so…”- Schmidt

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“What are we looking at here Robbie? Man-to-man, you didn’t want to wear something…I don’t know, a little more form-flattering? I mean, like a pile of towels? The number eight?” – Schmidt

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“Just, uh, keep the pumpkins away from me. OK? I kind of cut myself last Halloween. I mean, not on a knife, I cut myself on the pumpkin.” – Robbie

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“What if tonight is a test? If he shows up wearing a costume, he likes me.” – Jess
“Sound logic.” – Nick
“I know!” – Jess
“Jess…I was kidding!” – Nick

———-

“Butch it up Axel Foley, Shelby’s coming.” – Schmidt

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“I’m ‘raining cats and dogs’, get it? Reigning, cats and dogs.” – Shelby
“Those stuffed animals are gonna look good on the floor of my bedroom.” – Winston

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“You want to know why I don’t like haunted houses? Because they’re just like relationships. You walk in all confident, and then once you get in it’s not what you thought it was going to be, and it’s scary.” – Nick

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“Those costumes are for Purim!” – Schmidt

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“Do you love your life? Because I’ll tell ya, diabetes doesn’t.” – Schmidt

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“Why do you have a mustache glued on top of your mustache?” – Shelby

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“Plan B was always Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike.” – Schmidt

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Also, Amelia was played by Maria Thayer (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

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new girl’s best quotes: models

Previous New Girl quotes: Neighbors

“I so excited. I shake this thing that my momma gave me. Yolo.” – Nadia, who doesn’t know what Wilmer Valderrama looks like

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“I’m going out tonight with CeCe and her model friends, and I’m going for promising ballerina turned streetwalker.” – Jess
“You have too much joie de vivre. OK? You want to look a little more bored. Tired. Just altogether disengaged.” – Schmidt
“More tired. More sick like. Really let your bones prop you up.” – Winston

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“…I should be able to deal with the fact that they think I look like a monkey…from a Russian cracker ad.” – Jess
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“The only time a man is allowed to think about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler.” – Nick
———-
“If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie shape and shove it down your throat.” – Nick
“You wanna momma bird me the cookie?!” – Schmidt
———-
“You realize I say goodnight to you every night and you never say good night back? What is the problem Nick? Do you not want me to have a good night?” – Winston
“I can’t go around saying good night to everyone and buying people cookies. I am not a titan of finance sir.” – Nick
———-
“What’s going on? Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It’s always awkward!” – Jess
———-
“You can’t say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what it is. It has two of my four favorite things!” – Nick
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“Well Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. All that’s left is just yellowish good. That’s right Nick, goo.” – Schmidt
———-

“Who’s your favorite rapper?” – Nick

Brian Austin Green.” – Schmidt
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Also, hearing Hall and Oates’ You Make My Dreams Come True play during the Ford presentation reminded me of (500) Days of Summer, then I thought of Summer, which led me to hate Zooey Deschanel for the rest of the episode.
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new girl’s best quotes: neighbors

Previous New Girl quotes: Fluffer

  • “I’ve actually been working on something.” – Jess
    “A resume? Maybe?” – Schmidt

  • “Did I do that?” – Jess
    “I’m sorry, did you just say you were working on that?” – Schmidt
    “It’s Urkel!” – Jess
    “Urkel? Urkel, Jess? Look, it’s perfectly fine to watch TV all day.” – Nick
    “No it’s not!” – Winston/Schmidt
    “But Urkel? Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.” – Nick

  • “Jess, the men in suits here, the professionals, would like to know what the plan is.” – Schmidt
    “I’m a professional.” – Nick
    “You’re not, please, you work in a bar, it’s a whole different thing. I respect you, just, please.” – Schmidt

  • “I crushed it all day today, and then I crushed it some more, and then it asked me what I was doing and I told it that I was crushing it. That’s what I do on a daily basis Jess. You used to inspire me. I mean n-not specifically, because I find teaching to be icky. But, in a vague, kind of ‘look at the go-getter in a brightly colored sweater’ kind of way. What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess?” – Schmidt

  • “I like where your head’s at. We’re going to be there with bells on. Dolla-dolla-bells y’all.” – Schmidt

  • “Behold, this actuarial table stops at age 99. But if you track my current trajectory, I’m clearly going to live ’til I’m 123 years old, so, hello robot sex.” – Schmidt

  • “I like getting older, I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” – Nick

  • “Apparently, I’m going to be growing forever, I’m like a Jewish Peter Pan.” – Schmidt (Partial quote because I didn’t want to misspell all of his Jewish Peter Pan-isms and I’m too lazy to look up the correct spelling up right now. So, yeah, hooray for honesty)


  • “That’s how she cassa-rolls.” – Schmidt

  • “If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn’t hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I’d be rich. Like ‘fill my gas tank all the way up’ rich.” – Nick

  • “They call me Prank Sinatra.” – Winston
    “No, you call you Prank Sinatra.” – Nick


  • “What do you guys think about the length of my sideburns? It’s new. Daring or gauche?” – Schmidt

  • “And where have you been all night young lady? Jumping around to your hippity-hop? Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick? I’m actually asking, I’m not doing a thing right here.” – Nick

  • “Ay-yi-yi, I am cons-to the- pizz-o.” – Schmidt (That’s ‘constipated’ for all you kids that don’t know/understand the intricate mechanics of slang)


  • “Jess, we don’t care if you stole your catchphrase from some low budget web series, we still want to hang out.” – Chaz, played by Charlie Saxton, made me miss Hung

  • “Do you think I want to work at the Casserole Shanty? Do you know what the people I work with call it? The Asserole Shanty.” – Jess

  • “We don’t hate you for being old, we hate you because you’re a viciously unbearable asshead.” – Chaz

  • “This is like the end of a horror movie.” – Jess
    “Or the beginning of a pranking movie.” – Nick
    “There are no pranking movies.” – Nick
    “Yet.” – Nick
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