Tag Archives: Schmidt quotes

new girl’s best quotes: fluffer

Previous New Girl Quotes: Re-Launch and Katie

  • “I need your help. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper like he’s a kid in a restaurant and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.” – Jess
    “You don’t even know what that is.” – Nick
    “No sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked, help me.” – Jess
  • “I deserve to have a shorty on the side.” – Jess
    “Yeah, shorty’s not…that’s the wrong use of shorty. – Nick
  • “It’s after Labor Day. I’m wearing whales.” – Schmidt
    “You look like the bad guy in an 80s high school movie.” – Nick
  • “Friending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed. Yo, what up K. Yeah, I’m just going to sleep. You watching Fallon? That brotha is crazy.” – Schmidt
  • “Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like two old people in The Notebook, waiting to die.” – Jess
  • “Can’t miss this Nick. I got the belt on, I took Winston with me to prove that I can be friends with black people, even oddly shaped ones.” – Schmidt
  • “Whoa. I forgot what you look like when you’re not dressed like the loft troll.” – Nick
  • “…I can afford the valet charge and the ‘add onions’.” – Nick
  • “I’m Tugg Romney. Tagg’s everywhere, too much Tagg for me.” – Schmidt
  • “Sure, I’m not doing anything. But don’t let me lay eyes on the Malm collection. I can’t afford it, I’m a sucker for it every time.” – Nick
  • “You know they have Romney Olympics every summer at the lake house? I bet that’s a hoot. I’m sure it’s like the real Olympics, only the white people win the sprints.” – Schmidt
  • “Sleeping Nick is a totally different guy.” – Nick
  • “Nickels are worse than no money!” – Jess
  • “That was a pocket dial. That was an ill-time pocket dial. I will not explain myself!” – Nick
  • “Sometimes I think that I’m just a riddle that, well, even I can’t solve.
    pensive look::
    Yeah, see I tried to solve it again.” – Schmidt
  • “We don’t drink the beers Courtney. We just buy them to support American breweries. Then we dump them in the lake, because we’re Americans.” – Schmidt
  • “This isn’t a sex thing is it? Because I can’t pleasure a woman and build a dresser at the same time, you know? I’m not God.” – Sam
  • “…and never Adele.” – Winston
    “Adele?” – Nick
    “Never Adele.” – Winston
    “Adele’s amazing.” – Nick
    “No Adele. No concerts. No music. No t-shirts. No nothing.” – Winston
    “But guys and girls…” – Nick
    “NEVER ADELE!” – Winston (Dear writers, please figure out what to do with Winston. You’re wasting a very funny character, which is becoming increasingly annoying. Thank you.)
  • “Are you spelling it right? Two ‘Gs’, silent ‘B’.” – Schmidt
  • “Nitpicking turns me off. You’re all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney out.” – Schmidt
  • “Hey, I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions’, I should come over, right?” – Cece
    “You’re the only one I could talk to. Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women.” – Schmidt
  • “Forget it Jess. I’m building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It’s like high-stakes LEGOs.” – Nick
  • “Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam. I’m old-fashioned below the belt. I’ve got a Civil War-era piece of equipment and that’s all she wrote.” – Jess
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

new girl’s best quotes: katie

  • “Jess, are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this, prison?” – Schmidt
  • “What photograph were you working from? My hair hasn’t looked like that in three weeks!” – Schmidt…clearly unappreciative of Jess’ multi-cloth collage
  • “Very impressive, pro-ball. Women’s pro-ball, but still, woosh.” – Schmidt
  • “Winston, your sister got so hot. I’m gonna have to Shaq Attack her. May I have your blessing? Cause I’m going to be like, dribblin’, up the court (boom) technical foul (boom) illegal use of the hands (boom).” – Schmidt (this quote is best appreciated when viewed, written words do it zero justice)
  • “…and I’m the girl from my dreams of you.” – Jess
  • “I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.” –  Jess
    “Oh, was that you? Thought that was a couple of bums fighting.” – Nick
    “It wasn’t. It was me, having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf and scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I’m a dancer, and/or something involving puppets.” – Jess
  • “Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call the Nutty Professor.” – Schmidt
  • “You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan.” – Nick
  • “Is there a hot way of saying I don’t feel sexy after I’ve had a lot of cheese?” – Jess
  • “I can’t wait to see your meat bar.” – Bearclaw (played by Josh Gad), who should have been Andy, saying ‘meat bar’, which should have been ‘body’ (damn those auto-corrects!)
  • “Hey, if we make love later, and I tell you to pretend I’m a scary ghost, are you gonna be weirded out by that.” – Bearclaw
  • “I don’t care what you like or what your name is or anything about you. And the good news is, you don’t have to care about me either and we can still tear each other apart. What do you think?” – Sam (played by David Walton, RIP BENT) making an irresistible offer
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

new girl’s best quotes: re-launch

  • “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower, this is not some fancy hotel.” -Nick
  • “And by the way, I know what you’ve been thinking and the answer is yes. I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.” – Schmidt
    “Nipple play, off limits.” – Jess
  • “I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yo–yo or the slap bracelet, but now all I have is this stupid hat.” – Jess
    “I’m sorry.” – Cece
    “No, you’re right. I’m over-thinking it, the hat is fine.” – Jess
  • “Can you believe that the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I meant, the nerve! I’m going to be sitting in the back of the party and Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be like ‘look at that idiot, couldn’t even get a big cat’.” – Schmidt
  • “You don’t have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot.” – Nick…on why Jess isn’t hot enough to be a shot girl
  • “I have a PhD, a pretty heavy drug problem.”Parker Posey (severely underutilized IMO) as the “26-year old” shot girl
  • “…get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass.” – Nick
  • “Yeah, life sucks. And then, it gets better and then it sucks again and it just…sucks.” – Nick
Tagged , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: